and here we go. for the first time again.

(And now, coming to you live from a computer at a FedEx-Kinkos, spinning all the great hits)

          I always wanted to be a disk jockey. But I stutter. Not so horribly these day, however, but when I was a kid I did a wicked Porky Pig impression. Luckily, the years, a teaching career, and prayer have allowed me to suppress it to the point that I appear to be a normal functioning human being. But there is still that small piece me that is still in grade school - an inability to be aggressive, an inability to express emotion, an inability to express opinions - frozen solid, with a mind full of words I'm unable to say.

        So, you think I would be thankful when Quiera, using my exhaustion and hunger against me, roped me into setting up this account. You would think that I would welcome this kind of freedom, this ability to say the things that I used to keep inside my head. And yet . . .

       To friends and family, many forget that I used to stutter badly. Many remark at how far I have come. Many sing praises about how wonderful it is that fought my fears to become a teacher (okay, maybe they don't actually sing praises, but they do think it is really neat). However, none of them see what I see. When a crowd forms around me, when I speak to a beautiful woman, when I try to say what I really feel, there he is, the kid I used to be standing right beside me, reminding me of everything. Over the years, I learned to use that little kid as a way of actually overcoming those fears and my stuttering. Yet, despite what anyone may say or tell you, there is no cure for stuttering. It may go away, but it never leaves.

      And so, that little kid is always standing there beside me, following me everywhere and into everything. Most of the time he is encouraging. But sometimes. Sometimes, he reaches up and grabs me by the throat. I can't speak, my heart races, and any words I do manage to get out come out in that old familiar sputter. And so my apprehension at doing a live journal.

    However, I promised Quiera I would do this. Although I see the stuttering kid standing behind me afraid to make his opinions and feelings known, now I also see Quiera standing behind me with a really big stick.

Notes for Others

Things to listen to :            

Gorillaz -Demon Days-: I first listened to this album back in June as I      was driving through   Memphis traffic on my way to a wedding. My first impression - disappointment. I loved their first album and was expecting something akin to that. Ironically, I am now disappointed with their first album. Demon Days takes a little bit of warming up to, but you will find it to be one of the most sonically dense albums available. You have to love a group that blends early rap beats (Think Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five) with a children's choir.

R.L. Burnside - anything off of the Fat Possum Label - R.L. Burnside is an often overlooked Blues man who recently died. He plays the Delta Blues as they were meant to be played: dirty, rough, and fun.

Things to Read:

George R.R. Martin - The Songs of Fire and Ice-: Probably the most unique fantasy series available. So far there are three books - each at about 1,000 pages - and I still feel as if the major parts of the story have not yet been revealed.

Things to Watch:

Firefly - The Boxed Set-" Space - Western. Need I say more.